Why Do I Keep Doing Things I Know Aren’t Good for Me?
There is a uniquely frustrating point in healing where you can see exactly what you're doing...
and you're still doing it.
You're three paragraphs into explaining a boundary that probably needed one sentence.
You're replaying a conversation for the seventeenth time even though you know you're probably not going to find some magical piece of information you missed the first sixteen times.
You need help. Someone would probably help you. And somehow doing the entire thing yourself still feels easier.
Or maybe you're sitting across from someone thinking:
I know this isn't good for me. I know how this ends. I've done this before.
And yet, you're still there.
At some point, you start wondering:
If I know better, why am I still doing this?
I think that question is where a lot of people accidentally turn self-awareness into another reason to be hard on themselves.
Because knowing the name of your pattern and knowing your pattern deeply enough to respond differently are two very different things.
Naming the Pattern Is Only the Beginning
Maybe you know you overthink.
That's awareness.
But do you recognize what happens immediately before the overthinking starts?
Maybe you know you're hyper-independent.
But have you noticed what happens inside you when someone offers to help?
Maybe you know you ignore your own needs.
But have you noticed how quickly you automatically check what everyone else needs first?
Maybe you know you stay too long in relationships that aren't good for you.
But have you noticed the moment something feels wrong and you immediately start building a case against your own perception?
That's where things get interesting.
Because “I overthink” gives you a label.
“When I don't know what someone is thinking about me, I replay the conversation because I'm trying to find certainty” gives you something you can actually work with.
The episode explores this exact distinction: deeper awareness includes recognizing what happens around the pattern, what you feel, and what the behavior may be accomplishing for you.
Your Pattern Probably Has a Job
Most of the things we desperately want ourselves to stop doing didn't appear out of nowhere.
At some point, the behavior probably accomplished something.
Maybe explaining yourself helped you avoid conflict.
Maybe monitoring people's moods gave you a little more predictability.
Maybe doing everything yourself protected you from the vulnerability of depending on someone.
Maybe staying quiet helped you belong.
Maybe questioning yourself protected you from making a decision someone else wouldn't approve of.
Maybe replaying the conversation gives you the temporary feeling that if you think hard enough, you can figure out exactly what happened and prevent yourself from being blindsided again.
That doesn't mean the pattern is still helping you.
And it doesn't mean you have to keep it.
It means there's a more useful question available than:
What's wrong with me that I keep doing this?
Try:
What has this pattern been doing for me?
That's the question I keep coming back to.
Because once you understand the job, you have a much better chance of finding another way to meet the need underneath it.
Start by Catching It Earlier
One of the mistakes we make when trying to change a pattern is making the goal:
STOP DOING IT.
Immediately. Forever. Starting tomorrow.
That's a huge jump.
Try making your first goal simply:
Notice it sooner.
Maybe right now you recognize the pattern three hours later.
Shit. I did it again.
Eventually, you notice it an hour later.
Then twenty minutes.
Then five.
Then you're halfway through doing it and suddenly think:
Oh. I know what I'm doing right now.
And eventually, you may catch the urge before you act on it.
That's progress.
You don't have to wait until you've successfully changed the behavior to count what you're doing as healing.
The episode gives a simple sequence for practicing this awareness:
What happened?
What did I feel?
What did I immediately want to do?
If someone's tone changes, maybe your stomach drops.
You think they're angry.
And suddenly you want to explain, fix, reassure, check on them, or figure out what you did wrong.
There it is.
That's the part we're learning to notice.
Then Stop Fighting With Yourself for Five Seconds
Once you catch the pattern, there's usually another one waiting right behind it:
For the love of God. I KNOW BETTER. Why am I still like this?
Which means you noticed the pattern...
and immediately used your new self-awareness to beat the shit out of yourself. 😂
Try curiosity instead.
What makes this response make sense to me right now?
Maybe:
I really need reassurance.
I don't want this person to be angry with me.
I don't want to feel rejected again.
I want certainty.
I want to feel like I have some control over what happens next.
Understanding why you want to do something doesn't mean you have to do it.
That's important.
You can say:
Of course part of me wants to send the six-paragraph text. And I don't think that's what I actually want to choose.
Self-compassion and accountability can exist in the same sentence.
In the episode, I put it this way: self-compassion means understanding yourself well enough that shame doesn't have to be your primary strategy for change.
Now Give Yourself One Different Experience
This is the part I think gets missed most often.
You don't need another twenty things to understand.
You need opportunities to experience yourself responding differently.
And they can be tiny.
If you'd normally send six paragraphs explaining yourself, try sending two.
If you immediately say yes when someone asks something of you, try:
“Let me think about it.”
You can still say yes later.
If you'd normally do everything yourself, ask someone for one small thing.
If you're replaying a conversation trying to find certainty that isn't there, notice what you're searching for and redirect yourself once.
If you usually shut down when you're overwhelmed, try:
“I'm getting overwhelmed and need a minute, but I want to come back to this.”
If something doesn't feel right, let yourself acknowledge:
Something doesn't feel right.
Before immediately presenting yourself with seventeen reasons you're probably wrong.
You don't need to transform the entire pattern in one attempt.
You're creating one slightly different experience.
This Is How Knowing Starts Becoming Doing
Self-trust doesn't require becoming certain about everything.
You can disappoint someone.
You can be misunderstood.
You can make a decision and later wish you'd chosen differently.
You can ask for help and feel uncomfortable as hell while receiving it.
And you can discover:
I can stay with myself through what happens next.
That's the evidence we're looking for.
Because eventually you're moving from:
I know I do this.
to:
I can see myself doing this.
to:
I understand why I want to do this.
to:
I can try something slightly different here.
And that's a very different kind of self-awareness.
Something to Try This Week
Pick one pattern you already know about yourself.
Don't try to eliminate it this week.
See how early you can catch it.
When you do, ask yourself:
What actually happened?
Keep this part boring and factual. No giant story about what it says about you as a person.
What did I feel or think right before I did the thing?
What was uncomfortable?
What did I immediately want to do?
Explain? Fix? Withdraw? Ask for reassurance? Say yes? Take control? Shut down?
What was I hoping that response would give me?
Relief? Approval? Certainty? Connection? Control? Protection from rejection?
And finally:
What's one slightly different response I could try next time?
That's it.
You don't need to wake up tomorrow as a person who has transcended all of her patterns.
We're looking for the bridge between:
I understand why I am this way
and
I'm learning how to live differently.
That's where the work gets really interesting.
Want Somewhere to Practice This With Other Women?
This is exactly the kind of thing we talk about in our free weekly Women’s Circle. You don't need to come prepared with something profound to say. Camera and mic are optional, and you're welcome to simply listen.
We meet Tuesdays at 7pm CT on Zoom.
And this week's episode of The Reclamation Room goes much deeper into these three pieces: self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-validation, with more examples of how to start practicing them in real life.
