Why Can’t I Relax When Nothing Is Wrong?
There is a very specific kind of annoyance that happens when you spend all day wanting everyone to leave you alone...
and then they finally do.
Nobody needs anything.
Your phone isn’t ringing.
There’s no emergency.
You could sit down. Watch something. Read. Go outside. Take a nap. Do literally whatever you want.
And suddenly you’re cleaning the kitchen.
Or scrolling.
Or remembering the email you should probably answer.
Or mentally organizing tomorrow.
Or sitting perfectly still on the couch while your brain scans through the next seventeen things that could potentially become a problem.
And sometimes someone asks the seemingly innocent question:
“What do you want to do?”
And... you have no fucking clue.
If you’ve ever been desperate for a break until you finally get one, there may be more happening here than simply being “bad at relaxing.”
Rest and Doing Nothing Aren’t Necessarily the Same Thing
You can stop moving without actually experiencing rest.
Maybe you’re lying on the couch, but you’re remembering everything you forgot to do.
You’re anticipating tomorrow.
Checking notifications.
Rehearsing a conversation.
Noticing the mess across the room.
Deciding what everyone is going to eat later.
Your body technically stopped working.
Your brain did not get the memo.
You’re still responding to demands. They’ve just become internal demands now.
Which gives us a much more interesting question than Why can't I just relax?
What happens inside of me when nothing requires an immediate response?
Because for some of us, having nothing to do is actually kind of uncomfortable.
You May Have More Practice Responding to Needs Than Recognizing Wants
Think about how many decisions throughout your day are made by something outside of you.
There’s a deadline, so you work.
A kid needs something, so you respond.
Someone texts, so you answer.
You have an appointment, so you leave.
There’s a problem, so you solve it.
There is constantly something answering the question:
What needs to happen next?
Then Saturday afternoon arrives and suddenly nobody needs anything.
Cool.
What do I want to do?
...
Hello?
😂
Not knowing doesn't necessarily mean you've lost yourself.
You may simply have significantly more practice recognizing demands than recognizing preferences.
And recognizing your own preferences is a skill you can practice.
We'll come back to that.
Your Brain Might Be Really Fucking Good at Finding Problems
Maybe you’ve spent a lot of your life needing to respond quickly.
Maybe you’ve had to anticipate what other people needed before they even said it.
Maybe you’ve managed instability.
Maybe you’re simply really fucking good at keeping twelve plates spinning without dropping one.
Your attention gets efficient at finding what needs your attention.
So when everything around you gets quiet, your brain doesn't necessarily go:
Ahhhh. Peace.
It might go:
Wait. What am I forgetting?
Then it starts looking.
That email.
The kitchen.
Next weekend.
The thing somebody said yesterday.
Tomorrow's schedule.
Something you haven't even identified yet but are suddenly quite sure you should be worried about.
The external demand disappeared, but the search for one didn't.
Staying Busy Might Actually Be Doing Something for You
This is where I want us to get curious instead of immediately deciding we suck at resting.
Because productivity can feel good for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with loving a clean kitchen or having a strong work ethic.
Completing something can give you relief.
Solving something can give you certainty.
Making a plan can give you a sense of control.
Having something to do can give your time structure.
And when you stop doing?
Well...
now you might notice your thoughts.
Or your feelings.
Or loneliness.
Or uncertainty.
Or the unmet need that was much harder to hear while you were doing seventeen other things.
That doesn't mean staying busy is bad.
It means we have a better question available than:
Why the hell can't I just relax?
Try:
What does staying busy give me?
Relief?
Certainty?
Structure?
Control?
Distraction?
A sense of accomplishment?
Something else?
You don't have to take it away.
We're just figuring out what it's doing.
Please Don't Turn Relaxing Into Another Thing You're Failing At
This one matters.
Because wellness content can very quickly become:
Here are seven ways you're resting incorrectly.
Now you need the perfect morning routine.
You need to meditate.
Journal.
Do breathwork.
Get ten thousand steps.
Cold plunge.
No screens after 9.
Sleep exactly eight hours.
Have you considered staring peacefully at a tree while drinking magnesium?
Jesus Christ.
Now you're stressed because apparently you can't even relax correctly.
I don't want to do that here.
The goal isn't to become really good at performing relaxation.
You can do every supposedly relaxing thing and still not feel restored.
What we're trying to learn is:
What actually feels restorative to me?
And we can start much smaller than you probably think.
1. Catch the Invisible Emergency
The next time you're technically resting and suddenly feel like you have to do something, pause.
Ask:
Does anything actually require me right now?
That's it.
You don't have to stay seated.
You don't have to convince yourself the task doesn't matter.
You don't have to dramatically abandon all adult responsibility and declare that Ashana from the internet said you never have to do chores again. 😂
You're checking the urgency.
I should answer that email.
Does it require you right now, or could you answer it during work tomorrow?
I need to clean the kitchen.
Does it need to happen right now, or could it happen after dinner?
I need to figure out what we're doing next weekend.
Do you?
Right this second?
Maybe the answer actually is yes.
That's fine.
We're not trying to talk ourselves out of doing things.
We're noticing the pressure that says this must happen now and giving ourselves enough space to decide whether that's actually true.
That tiny interruption gives you some autonomy back.
2. Stop Asking Yourself What You Want
Okay, not forever.
But if somebody asks what you want and your brain immediately becomes an empty Microsoft Word document, we're going too big.
What do I want?
Jesus. From life? Today? Existentially? I don't know. Bora Bora?
Shrink it.
Try:
What would feel 5% better right now?
Not amazing.
Not healed.
Not deeply fulfilled.
Five percent.
Maybe you want to take your shoes off.
Open a window.
Go outside.
Move into another room.
Turn music on.
Turn everything the fuck off.
Eat something.
Take a shower.
Stretch.
Call someone.
Lie directly on the floor.
Those tiny choices may not seem significant, but you're practicing something important:
recognizing preference.
I prefer this over that.
This feels better than that.
I'd rather have quiet right now.
Actually, I want company.
That's self-trust practice.
You don't discover yourself by demanding that you suddenly know exactly who you are and what you want.
You build that relationship through small moments of noticing yourself.
3. Leave One Thing Unfinished
I'm going to lose some of you here. 😂
Pick something low stakes.
Leave two dishes in the sink.
Let a non-urgent text sit for three minutes.
Stop working when your timer ends even though you know you could get one more thing done.
Sit down before everything has been completely handled.
Then don't immediately distract yourself from what happens next.
Watch.
What thought appears?
I'm lazy.
I'm going to get behind.
Someone is going to need me.
I should be doing something.
I'll enjoy myself once everything is done.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Because underneath the behavior, you may find a belief that's been quietly driving it for years.
You don't have to immediately debate that belief.
You don't have to convince yourself it's irrational.
Try something much smaller:
Could I let this feel uncomfortable and still choose ten minutes of rest anyway?
That's a new experience.
And those new experiences matter.
Something to Try This Week
Don't try to become better at relaxing this week.
Seriously.
Instead, notice what interrupts your rest.
When you finally get a little space, pay attention to what happens next.
What thought shows up?
What suddenly feels urgent?
What do you feel like you should be doing?
What do you imagine would happen if you didn't do it?
And then ask:
What would feel 5% better right now?
We're not trying to become people who can peacefully lie in a hammock for four hours without a single thought.
We're learning what happens when nobody needs anything from us...
and practicing letting our own preferences become part of what happens next.
Want to Hear the Full Conversation?
This week's episode of The Reclamation Room goes deeper into why rest can feel so difficult when nothing is actually wrong, what busyness may be doing for you, and three ways to start practicing rest without turning it into another fucking self-improvement project.
Listen to Why You Can’t Relax When Nothing Is Wrong + 3 Ways to Actually Practice Rest
Want Somewhere to Practice This With Other Women?
If you're realizing that you don't actually know what you want half the time until somebody else's needs show up and tell you what to do, this is exactly the kind of thing we practice together in Women’s Circle.
It's free, we meet every Tuesday at 7 p.m. Central on Zoom, and camera and mic are completely optional.
