If I Let Go, Does That Mean It Didn't Matter?
One of the hardest parts of healing is that sometimes it feels like we are being asked to “make peace” with something that never should have happened. Or that we need to “just move on” so that others can feel more comfortable.
And a lot of times, deep down, we really do want to move on.
But many people carry an unspoken fear; I know I did:
"If I stop hurting over it, am I saying it was okay?"
"If I let go of my anger, am I letting them off the hook?"
"If I move forward, does that mean what happened to me didn't matter?"
I don't think that's what healing asks of us at all.
I think healing asks us to separate two things that often get tangled together:
The significance of what happened, and the amount of suffering we continue carrying because of it.
Something can matter deeply and yet no longer have control over your life.
Painful things can can leave a scar and no longer be an open wound.
An awful situation can shape you without necessarily defining who you are.
I think many of us learned to hold our pain as a form of evidence.
It reminded us that what happened was real, that it hurt, and that it mattered.
Maybe some of us kept holding onto the pain because it was also hope that someone would notice we were hurting.
So when the pain begins to soften, it can feel unsettling, almost like we're letting go of the proof.
But your suffering was never the proof.
The fact that it happened is the proof.
The impact it had on your life is the proof.
The person you had to become in order to survive it is the proof.
You do not owe anyone continued suffering in order to validate your experience.
There is also a difference between remembering and carrying:
I can remember that I broke my arm as a child.
I don't need to keep the cast on forever to prove it happened.
The cast served a purpose at the time.
At some point, carrying it becomes its own burden.
The same is often true emotionally.
The anger, hypervigilance, grief, self-protection, and constant searching for answers may have been necessary at one point. They may have helped you survive.
But eventually we are faced with a different question:
"Do I still need this in order to honor what happened?"
Sometimes the answer is yes.
Sometimes the answer is no.
And when the answer becomes no, letting go is not an act of dismissal.
It is an act of trust:
Trust that what happened matters, even when you're no longer carrying it every day.
Trust that your story remains true, even when your nervous system begins to relax.
Trust that you can remember without reliving.
Trust that your life is allowed to become bigger than the thing that hurt you.
Because “healing” isn't about erasing the past, about forgiving and forgetting, or even about moving on.
I think it’s holding enough space for yourself and your pain, that you feel safe to let the rest of your life exist alongside it.
And in time, I think that’s what helps the pain start to fade. You realize that you can hold that space for yourself, even if it ever felt like no one else could.
What part of your pain are you carrying because it still serves you, and what part are you carrying because you're afraid that setting it down would mean it never mattered in the first place?
If this is something you're wrestling with right now, you're not alone.
These are exactly the kinds of conversations we explore in our weekly Women's Circle. It's a quiet space to slow down, reflect, ask questions, and be in community with other women navigating their own healing journeys.
We meet Tuesday evenings at 7:00 PM CST on Zoom. You're welcome to join with your camera on or off, participate as much or as little as you'd like, and simply come as you are.
If you'd like to join us this week, you can learn more and register here: Women’s Circle
I'd love to have you there.
-Ashana.
